The Haze

There's something comforting about a cuppa tea, dim light and my laptop on the dining room table by the window on a late snowy night. But this is what it takes sometimes for a moment to myself. Precious time I took for granted as an uber independent professional not so long ago.

My blessing and purpose of being..ahem..my daughter is cozy and asleep upstairs recharging her batteries for another day of the same.

In the last 9 months, I am learning that having prayed for motherhood and finding every road possible to have the chance to stay at home is not always parallel to how I feel. Ava's beautiful soul is a huge life change, welcomed with every vessel in my heart. But instead of poking fun at all the ways us gals swear we'll never become (like live in sweat pants, hair forever in a bun, shower like the house is on fire, let our homes get dirty and show frustration in public), I swore up and down to myself (and to others) with almighty excitement, that my new squishy bundle will simply tag along in my usual life and I will continue on swimmingly with my mission to help others by maintaining my professional self cuz there's just no stoppin this perfectionistic and determined mom.

WRONG! (that's ok, you can wipe the egg off of my face)

Admittedly, I do struggle with this. Not every day, but I hate that I feel it. Learning to love and nurture a dependent and precious human being while learning to love and nurture myself in my new role in life is definitely a feat. Ava is such a wonderful accomplishment. She's an addition or extension of myself and my heart. As I get to know her, I feel like I have to get to know myself again too. She and I are both butterflies, fresh out of the coccoon, but I'm the only bug with a road map! Yes, much is instinct, but plenty is a good ole fashioned guess. Like shooting a dart blind folded!

Amidst my occassional lack of self confidence in this new world of mine, at the same time, I find myself with a yearning so deep that truly envelopes me! I yearn to offer my daughter the filling to all of my holes. My areas in life when I felt cheated, afraid, alone and full of regret. I don't want to shelter her or overprotect, instead I want to guide her with all the lessons that I have learned on top of helping her with what she chooses for herself. To me, feeling fulfilled in life is as integral as our own heartbeat. May I build her wings to soar to heights that make her feel accomplished, loved, proud and confident. May she know that when her wings tire, she can always come and rest with mom so I can pump her full of love and life again. Motherhood isn't a job or a duty, it's a sense of self! A recognition that your beloved prodigy simply can't live without you. And for me, that can apply some pressure. Not a vice grip, but enough of a squeeze to sometimes deplete me. I still feel badly when I have a bad day.

Ain't THAT the truth huh?!

Back to the sense of self. Understanding that as moms, we are human too. With the same capability of having good days and bad. It's not about being the best, it's about nurturing the best within ourselves. This has taken me almost 9 months to realize....until now, I was hovering in the haze.

The haze...the place in time when I'm so busy physically (with diapers, baths, sickness, cries, feedings, laundry, child entertaining, managing a home, finances, 3 dogs etc) that as my body is "doing" my mind is like a pop up bubble looking down at the scene. For real, for a while there, I believed I must be baby sitting! This has to be temporary! Because I have to get back to my life as I know it! What a fog.

Once the birth of a child comes, there's literally no time to adjust to all of the thousands of changes that are occuring in your own post partum body, the little life you created and the changing roles you have in your own life...but thankfully it passes.

Embracing my new reality as a stay at homer, I've been reminded how fear is normal. Fear is your friend. It drives courage. Courage is doing something despite your fear. I've learned that I was afraid of losing my independence and tossing all of old Shawna out the window, but now I know that fighting it, feeds it. Feeling it, obliterates it and frees me too! I love who I am becoming now and I like this road map! My new sense of self puts motherhood at the helm. It took some time and some internal fight I admit, but who I was before didn't disappear those priorities just became passengers!

To any new moms reading this, feel my hug. It's astounding what we are embarking on and the responsibility is enormous. But its extremely important to remember to stay responsible to ourselves too. We're useless to our children tired, cranky, out of shape and low. The haze is real. You may even have your own term for it!

Like Spring will come as I look outside this Winter window of mine...it lifts. And your own clear vision of MOM takes shape and your heart will swell. Anxieties will go and you'll look in the mirror and say "it's about bloody time you showed up, nice to meet you!"

Stay well friends xo